The Quarter Century Slumber

2011-12-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

I wanted so badly to text you. Instead, I told myself to get out of bed.

2011-11-30T21:05:00.000-08:00

I am walking along lifes path, collecting experiences as if plucking a flower to smell, or walking in the rain and getting wet, crossing a busy street or stopping to pet a dog. I started out from home, and to home I will return, so its true what they say - it really is about the path, so why even rush?

2011-08-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want
to become." - Steve Jobs

Sunday Blues on Tuesday

2011-08-09T22:20:00.001-07:00

This blog was drafted in May of 2010 (on some Sunday). I went to my page earlier this evening and drafted a different blog about being 30 but I lost steam and sunk into a retrospective pondering slump of sorts. I found this draft and think its more appropriate to the feeling I'm trying to put into words today, instead of discussing turning 30. Maybe I'll post that one next year...

(May, 2010)
I seriously hate to write this blog. I cringe that I am even typing these words that will expose the southwesternmost corner of my heart. The thing is, its been pressing on that corner of my heart all day, and I can't shake it.

I've scrubbed my bathroom floor, I've washed all my linens, I've called a couple friends, I've gone for a run, I bought a new dress and its only continued to fester and pester and jester.

I'm lonely today.

Not lonely for lots of friends around. Not missing my family and wanting to hang out with them. Its that kind of lonely. The kind where maybe I'll look back on that festering, pestering, jestering feeling one day and it will have dissipated, and I will know that the love I have found was the remedy to that kind of lonely.

Who knows though, maybe it isn't.

Maybe this feeling is just a dysphoric, Sunday type of feeling. Maybe I'm feeling sad because my whole family goes to church on Sunday, and goes with someone, and I was raised to do just that, and I don't do it at all. But I don't think that would be the answer, cause sometimes I do go to church, and feel worse. I sit there and feel like a black hole, light years away from people sitting in rows, arms around each other, excusing themselves to comfort their crying babies. I feel like I'm sitting there holding all the sadness to make up for all their happiness. And I guess I just proved the point that it isn't just a dysphoric Sunday type feeling cause it came back to sitting there alone.

And the whole thing of it all is that I believe its incredibly possible to love someone, marry someone, commit yourself to someone and one day to feel the same sort of loneliness. I can imagine that is worse. Sleeping next to someone, day in day out, and feeling like a black hole, light years away from each other.

My refusal for that end result is why I'm feeling how I am today. Thinking into my future with those I've dated, I've believed this would one day be the case, this impending "loneliness while in a relationship". So I guess I sorta asked for this feeling or at least have made choices resulting in this. Which in a wierd way gives me comfort.

"I met the man I'm going to marry"

2011-06-05T22:58:00.001-07:00

Welp, just got off the phone with one of my best friends. Its a Sunday night, and I inevitably have the Sunday blues which from what I understand, is a common occurrence with my generation and part of the reason for the recent development of "Sunday Funday". Back to getting off the phone with one of my best friends. She told me in a fairly sober voice "I think I met the man I'm going to marry." Gulp.

I should qualify tonight's retold conversation by saying that I do not keep close friends with girls that say "I think I met the man I'm going to marry" on a regular, serious basis. Its not that I have chosen to purposefully not keep close friends with girls that say that, but inevitably, when it comes to this topic, opposites do not attract in friendships and we non-fantasizing-marryers run in wolf packs. Not to say there aren't just as many Charlottes in my life as there are Samanthas, but the close-kinship-we're in this together friends do not throw out such cuss-phrases on a casual basis. So you can imagine what I'm thinking.

Or maybe you cant. Let me tell you then instead.

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

Said friend then offers to put future husband on the phone so we can mobile-meet. So mobile-meet we do and he automatically gets the joke I tell as if they truly are MFEO.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

My excuses to her of why they won't work out quickly fade as we laugh, he listens, shows genuine interest in her long-distance Nor-Cal BF.

I know I can and will be truly madly deeply happy for her, whatever plays out. But the fear that resounds in my being is this....

Don't leave me behind.

When a close close friend gets married, what changes?
For one thing, there is less of a desire to hit the town and find some tail. Secondly, there is this sudden factor in the equation that requires some amount of consideration of someone else's schedule besides the good times needing to be had. And we haven't even touched on the sudden use of words/phrases like "we always" and "our budget" and "his parents". Boo, total buzz-kill.

Let me try to examine the positives, and this might solely only come from my own limited experience and my fantastical-utopian married ideal.

Lets say I really like the sig-oth. I get to hang out with two cool people instead of one. Lets say they help my friend be better in her strengths and grow as a person - sweet, no more late night convos cosigning her bull$^%? (kidding). Or even better, the True Man some friends are with - the one that has my back and protects and cares for me because I am a close friend of his lover. Such a benie. And lets not forget about the available friends this sig-oth might provide, or the million dollar yacht for 3 day weekends?

OK so at this point, it could really go either way. Guess I shouldn't freak out just yet.

I promise you now, friend, to not go Kristin Wiig on you and sabotage whatever it is that comes along (to the best of my ability, beyond that, its not in my control). Until then, please, Hold On For One More Day.

<3

Never the same after this.

2010-11-13T00:58:00.000-08:00

2010-11-09T00:22:00.000-08:00

So, we broke up over the weekend. It happened quickly, but months of deliberation brought me to the sudden act of ending it. Sometimes in a relationship, you go through so much and get used to so much resulting in habit that the exact event itself is actually quite anti-climatic. Its the after-effects that really can be elucidating.

First comes clarity of thought. I am not distracted by the ups and downs anymore, or the vapid sucking of my energy throughout the day. I am focused on my career, on the rebuilding of other relationships I have let fall by the wayside. I am re-committing to my self-care - the working out, the piano playing, the...blogging. I am aided by the absence of the distraction that was our relationship. No longer foregoing the good habits of my life for the sake of your well being.

Oh and music, oh music. Music is once again penetrating my soul and each beat, each rhythm is in tune with this loss and turn of events. And speaking of loss, don't get my wrong, I do feel a loss. Hourly I want to dial in, see what is going on, hear all of the mundane BS and bragging that was always dished out to me and that somehow becomes mildly interesting and illuminating. I miss that. I also miss my ability to bring about laughter, I miss getting advice on new running shoes and talking about a new book to read. Oh and I also really miss hearing about all the hilarious and stunning Youtube videos discovered.

I guess all that means I will have to find newer, bigger ways to have all of those things. I will have to put effort in. I hope that one day we will be friends. Lord knows it is hard to go from being lovers to friends. To maintain a lower level of expectations, to keep the time and energy invested previously from seeping in and getting back to the same place previously held in such high regard.

I will miss you. I already do. I hope for a healthy friendship with you in the future but until then...

Annie Tegner is no longer in a relationship....with facebook.

Pain

2010-07-16T01:55:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things. First of all, time and getting older. Which I shall probably get into in a different blog. Its effects and so on. Also, I have been thinking a lot lately about pain. I know, not a fun thing to be thinking about. Especially in July. I feel like July is supposed to be fun n' games, water slides, bbqs, kisses, and watermelons. So why would anyone in their right mind choose to think about pain in July? Why would anyone in their right mind choose to think in July? I mean, aren't rainy Octobers and dreary January's enough time spent pondering if we are doing right by ourselves and evaluating our relationships and current mental health status?

Well, quite simply, we aren't immune to life. Which comes back to the age thing, because when we were little it was July and of course we wouldn't be thinking about life and its deficiencies. But again , this is a future blog (to be continued...)

But life has deficiencies. And often times the pain is more than just deficiencies. Pain is a very real way to telling that you are human. Its like pinching yourself as hard as you can and not letting go even though you want to. Pain doesn't go away even if you try to think your way to it going away. Pain can't be solved by a mathematical equation or by improving your work skills. Sure, you can straighten your shoulders and get through something, whatever you need to, and feel OK but then you may have a quiet moment and something will strike, and there is that damn pain again.

What do you do with pain? What is the proper response to pain? Pain isn't like being tired, where you know the solution is rest. Pain isn't like being thirsty, where you know the solution is to drink. I don't really know what the solution is, to be honest. I know tears make it feel okay for awhile but the pain comes back, and you can cry again. Its just like... pain... is pain. Its something that is in and of itself.

I recently met a family in the midst of pain. They were all experiencing the pain of losing someone they loved dearly. Three years ago. Their pain was poignant. It was present. I saw their pain on their faces. I felt it in their words. I saw it so heavily in their eyes. I met people I didn't know from Adam and felt their hearts cry. I felt their pain. And I don't know what to do with it. I held hands with them and we prayed in a circle and the intimacy, and the pain was so close that I almost felt like I couldn't bear it.

I don't know what to do with pain. That's the bottom line. I feel like so many other aspects of life are redeemable, so many other aspects are thinkable, so many other aspects are do-able, but pain is just something to be felt, to be honored, to be .... breathed and also shared. Pain alone is horrible, pain shared is relief. And the burden is lifted a little.

I have experienced pain, even recently. And something in me is glad to know I can still feel it. I can feel life in this regard. That feeling and emotion that I just can't do anything at all but feel. If I could fix all my feelings, and decide on every course of action, and determine all and be in control of all, there wouldn't be any sense of emotional involvement in this life, any sense of giving up and being with others in this unfixable state. And I'm not saying life doesn't change and that the pain doesn't pass, or that its eternally sad, I'm just saying there is no way around pain. There is no get out of jail free card. There is no thinking your way out of it, no matter what anyone says about their level of consciousness.

Pain and all of its reactions are to be felt, respected, flushed out, and shared.

Are You Frigid? You Are Probably Too Fabulous. (I know, doesn't even make sense right?)

2010-04-15T22:06:00.001-07:00

I wonder what we are reading now in popular magazines that in 50 years will seem completely antiquated and passe?

When I first started reading this article, I thought it was written recently. I chose it because in the list of options, it was the one with the most clout and probably would be a reliable source. Then I just couldn't believe what I was reading. Educated Doctors saying that frigid women are "Aggressive Old Maids? Agitated Female 'Champions' " and this is the cause for their frigidity?
So sad that this was in Time Magazine at one point.

And I quote: "There may be an excessive . . . interest in card playing and club and sport pursuits and a proportionate neglect of the husband. This type will take great interest in traveling alone, in purchasing expensive clothes, perhaps even in the aggressive pursuit of a career. Pregnancy is avoided as a nuisance or even a calamity."

WOW. And the punch line is at the very end, where psychotherapy is recommended, preferrable by a male.

I'm so thankful that I live in a time in history where this is simply archived opinion.

Give Me Some Credit...

2010-01-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

I've been really frustrated by credit cards lately. Who hasn't right? I paid off my first credit card and what happens? My credit limit is lowered. I am paying off my other credit card, and as I do, my credit limit is lowered again, thereby affecting my credit score negatively.

All of this is the card issuers response to the upcoming CARD Act of 2009, taking affect February 22, 2010. CARD stands for Credit Card Accountability, Responsiblity and Disclosure Act, passed by the House and signed by President Obama in 2009.

Overall, the Act is incredibly beneficial to the borrower. The underlying feeling is that, generally, the borrower is stupid and needs some restrictions on them in order to make good financial decisions and this is true. Exhibit A is Annie Tegner who got her first credit card her last year in college, scratch that, last MONTH of college and proceeded to charge a new digital camera, trip to Vancouver Island, and bigger bed for her first, new apartment. Enough about her, I hear she's moved on to bigger and better things...

Basically what the CARD Act will do is not allow any borrowers to be issued cards under the age of 21 (w/out a cosigner, or a security deposit, or proof of income to pay the debts). It will also stop lenders from being able to charge certain fees, such as overlimit fees, late payment fees etc. and will require them to have a grace period for credit card payments.

In response to this upcoming change, credit card companies lowered available limits, changed fixed rate APRs to Variable APRs and have sent MANY letters labeled "Important Changes to Your Online Legal Agreement".

The best route to take is to be AWARE of the changes, and more importantly, see what you want to opt-in on and opt-out of. One major change is overlimit fees. A borrower must opt-in to be allowed to go over their credit card limit on a payment, and will be charged the hefty-fee that credit card companies already charge. If you do not opt-in, your payment will just be declined. Its up to you to decide which is better, be allowed to go over what you have and pay the fee for it? Or say no to the purchase and save money in the long run? Sounds like a come-to-Jesus conversation is in order.

This is a great article about ways to defend yourself during this time:

10 Ways to Play it Smart Under New Credit Card Law

Given the fact that much of what we work towards in life is based on a little credit score number that hangs over our head, its highly important to take all of these changes into consideration on a personal level. I would even advise for you to call your credit card company or others on or after February 22nd, get a real person on the phone on your team, and find out what other rates they can offer you, and what the new terms are.

Don't we all want the Centurion Card one day?

Ramblings

2009-11-28T00:31:00.000-08:00

Have you ever experienced something, and then held your breath in anticipation of the emotion that should follow?

And then begun to wonder at yourself, when the anticipated emotion doesn't follow?

You then question why you are not feeling what you thought you would feel and what you were told you would feel?

So then do you make yourself feel it because the anticipated feelings are determining what you actually feel, instead of feeling what in all reality you just feel?

Is this self-fulfilling emotion?

When you are in this state, if you have been, do you wonder if maybe you have a get out of jail free card, someway around the anticipated emotion?

Or can you think differently about the thing, instead of what you were told you would think about it?

What is the option if you are to be fully you?

To be. In the moment. Stay in Truth.

An Open Letter of Utter Admiration

2009-02-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Cafe Regulars,

You greet me each morning with a smile (or not, depending upon your reliance of uppers) and my heart usually melts. You ask me for something that I can deliver. I am able to provide this with skill, precision and beauty and as I pass it to you, I see your genuine thankfulness for the change it brings. I can literally make your heart race. You must go on to your busy day, but the exchange we engaged in will forever, for that day, be a moment etched into time. You will tell others about me and encourage them to meet me. They will, in fact, know you have seen me by your expression and by what is in your grip as you enter your office, home, park, school, mall, church, etc. What I provide will carry you through whatever turmoil comes your way. At least, as I've said, for today.

What you do not realize is that I NEED YOU AS MUCH AS YOU NEED ME. In my new world, which is at times disconnected and seemingly isolated, I need to see your shining face regularly. You make me feel like I am important. You remember me, almost by default. You often return my how's it going with another how's it going. Sometimes, you leave me something extra, just to show me how much you appreciate me too. Other times, I feel like you flirt with me a little, which is obviously always a good feeling. It doesn't even matter who you are when you flirt with me, it just feels good. I need you older gentleman. You remind me of an old professor I had and your kind eyes make me feel wise just by looking in them. I need you, general public, working in regular office jobs for the last 20 years. You prove to me that you can still keep your personality and humor among the hum-drum of a settled life. I need you classy suit woman who is warm and kind to show me that I can be a boss and be beauty. I need you woman who never smiles so I can greet the challenge of getting one, JUST ONE, cracked out of the corners of your tight-lipped mouth. I need you old man who never speaks and when you do, it is the kindest honey to drip from a mouth - you remind me of my Grandpa and what it means to be in my family. And I need you, cute cute cute guy in the regular routine, workin it daily at a non-profit, satisfied with your life and all present every morning to remind me that there might actually still be a little bit of romance in life.

On this media-proclaimed "romance week" my love is sent to you, fellow patroners of the sweet nectar beverage and lovers of its beauty. You mean more to me than you probably realize and my greeting to you is not conditioned and rehearsed. It is fueled by my desire and fostered by my devotion. May this love sink into your mouths, melt your insides and make your heart beat a little bit faster...

With Love,

Your Barista, Annie

Friday Nite Non-Lights

2008-11-15T02:16:00.000-08:00

2 frustrating things:

1. My friend's tummy was not appreciating Vodka tonite and needed to be driven home. She also needed to be at work at 6:30 am. There was not one responsible person that could help me out on this dual car plight. These are the moments you want to have that clutch dude that can help you out and not make you feel like you just asked him to put a ring on your finger.

2. You walk into a bar. (this is not a joke). Counting Crows is playing and you feel alright (cause they your fave). A scenster bum-rushes the juke box and quickly puts on Dancing Queen by Abba, the scene-crowd goes wild and continues jabbering, licking tables and generally creating mayhem. This is not my town.

Thats all.

Rainy Days Movie Review

2008-11-08T11:24:00.000-08:00

The last two nights were spent watching two different movies that were both depressing and surprisingly similar. The first movie was The Life Before Her Eyes with Uma Thurman and Evan Rachel Wood. The story is 2 best friends in highschool where one is classically rebellious and the other, classically conversvative but they still manage to see beyond the behavior to each others' hearts. Together, they face the now-common tragedy of a school shooting. The story cuts to the rebellious friend, Diana, living a seemingly perfect life (played by Uma Thurman), but completely battling her guilt thoughts and perceptions of reality based on the pinnacle event she went through in highschool. The story cuts back in time over and over again, highlighting the girls' unique relationship, experiences that the younger Diana (Wood) had apart from the school shooting, and the other friend, Maureen's (played by Eva Amurri) love and strength. The story unravels quickly, through events and through the cinematography, almost creating an anxiety over the conclusion. There's no way it can be good. The story really plays on themes of guilt and conscience, with a scene of a professor stating that "the conscience is the mind of God and human nature" interacting.

The second film I watched was called Snow Angels The opening scene deals with a highschool football field and band practice being interrupted by gunshots ringing in the distance (ironically similar to The Life Before...). The reviews of this movie focused on human relationships and the need to connect, but I found it strikingly about guilt-driven behavior. Each character seemed to act out not based on what they really wanted, but in a sense, running from what was their reality. The main characted was Annie, played by Kate Beckinsale, who served at a Chinese restaurant in a random small town (side note: this film was further proof for me that staying in a small town is no bueno). The other relationships in the film spring from her coworkers at the Chinese restaurant. Annie is separated from her super-religious, alcoholic husband Glen, and having an affair with her coworker Barb's husband Nate. Glen is trying to get his life in order enough to be around their daughter Tara. Annie's coworker Arthur is a really cute highschool student who we have the pleasure of seeing fall in love with the wierd, new girl Lila. This relationship counteracts the failed adult relationships showcased in the movie as it springs from innocence, true friendship and first love. Through a series of events both tragic and consequential, the little town and its in-house relationships unravel to the point of an innocent child dying and the spiraling of emotions from that point forward. Without giving too much away, the guilt and anger that ensues from that tragedy leads to another death who's victim seems to feel deserving of, unable to alleviate their own guilt and sadness.

Thinking about these two movies in conjunction with each other, the trajectory of the stories had to end in death. The only way for each of these characters to get beyond the events of their lives was the taking of their own as their guilt-ridden conscience and outward relationships unraveled to a point of alienation, sadness, and anxiety. As I thought about it, although these movies were depressing in their conclusions, they poignantly highlighted our complete human inability to ultimately pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. It has me thinking about what we really are and can do apart from the grace of God. We can find a job, find a lover, find a home, find a social circle, basically live our lives by the bootstraps approach. But what about the events that occur inbetween these human choices? What of the things that are out of our control, the things that happen that are unfair, or tragic, or "wrong place, wrong time"? We can't protect our conscience and hearts from these things. We don't have control of that reality. It's the end of the road experiences, the things that make us think over and over again in our heads "what if I had just..." The gap between us and God is the grace and love He gives us, the forgiveness and purpose in a relationship with Him. I struggle slash can't stand religiosity, but I know that apart from a relationship with my Creator, I would ultimately end in death. In Hosea, God promises to heal my desertion of religion and to love me freely (14:4). I read that today and although I don't feel it, I believe it. It is the way for our conscience to be free.

Slice of the Pie

2008-10-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

I just had a wonderfully relaxing weekend with an old friend from Bible school. Lisa just moved back to Vancouver, B.C. from Toronto after 2 years of dental hygienist school. She and her husband are starting up life again in downtown Van. She came down yesterday morning and we ate omelettes and talked and listened to music all afternoon. We then went to downtown Bellingham to Wasabes and had some decliciouso sushi. On to Boundary Bay for a glass of red (I went off my detox for this little treat. How often do you reconnect with an old friend?). Then we watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and ate stovetop popcorn just like my mom does. This morning we slept until ELEVEN (I can't believe it) then drank coffee in bed and listened to her pastor in Toronto's sermon. We got up for the day at 5pm and went and got more sushi and watched the sunset off a trail on Chuckanut Dr. It was amazing and so great.

It makes me sentimental and sad that regular life can't hold these times in it ALL the time. Maybe its where I'm at right now, maybe its the fact that Lisa is so sweet and soft and open but times like these are a slice of heaven. It brings me back to Bible school. That blessed year that I got to experience a very real human existence with people, God, nature, joy. I hold 2001 in my heart as a very sacred time. I could never go back to that exact place, my experiences and cynicism and intellect would never allow it. It was the isolated time to open my eyes to the Grand Narrative and understand who I am apart from my upbringing. So much has happened in the face of that since then. So many firsts, some positive, some negative. Pain and happiness and dreams and depression.

What I take from it is that there is a kind of community and sharing that can happen here and now. It is the practicing for a renewed heaven and earth, bathing ourselves in knowing the other and sharing our insides. Its not going to happen easily, or all the time, or even often in different seasons, but its something I can believe in and be open to. I want the softness back I held when I was there. While Lisa was here, an old friend stopped by that happened to be at Capernwray with us. Seeing him and Lisa at the same time reminded me of what we were. I don't know where he is at in his belief, but in the past we have had many conversations about the disillusion and doubt, but none as late, and the point from there to here was painfully clear to me when I saw him. I'm not one that likes to live in the past or hold people to what they were because I believe in change and growth, but the vulnerability I knew of him there reflected to me his heart to know God. If thats not held as a high value, at least as a desire, it can be buried in commitment, decisions, lifestyles, toys, entertainment, philosophies, people, relationships, career, education. I absolutely one hundred percent long for him to be what I knew because it encouraged me. God was real to him. These feelings come very inconvienently because I prefer not to care, or hurt, for someone of the opposite sex. So now I have to deal with that.

The whole pie will be amazing, and until then I will take a slice. Thank you Lisa.

Deep and wide, deep and wide,
theres a fountain flowing deep and wide.
Deep and wide, deep and wide,
theres a fountain flowing deep and wide.

Renter's Digest

2008-08-31T22:21:00.000-07:00

As the oh-so-short summer slips into a long-drawn-out winter, there is a quick change that we see overnight. This change is affectionately called moving, and is everyone's worst nightmare, particularly renters.

Being a renter myself and now working in Property Management, I see the precarious position of living in a property that is putting (probably gourmet) food on someone elses table and allowing them to be snowbirds in the winter and gorge on Bellingham in the summer. Having no property myself to speak of, I am going to take this time to be on the side of the renter. Even though my fiduciary responsibility is to the property owner blah blah blah. THAT being said, I'd like to do a little contribution to renters everywhere and give you my checklist for protecting yourself and your precious assets: your security deposit.

At Move-In
1. That condition checklist is the most important document you will fill out this year. Its more important than your term paper and even more important than your marriage certificate. Go through each area of your new place and mark EVERY single THING you see that is not up to perfect standards, and use generic terms, but give a few specific examples. Try to take something that LOOKS like it could get worse, such as, a crack in the kitchen linoleum (will be a gap when you move out). Basically you are documenting what is going to be worn and torn, and anything that isn't solidly sealed, smooth, white, signed, delivered is important to put down.
2. As a part of your documentation, take pictures of big problem areas and turn them in to be on file with your condition checklist.

During Tenancy:
1. Report maintenance, particularly accumulating mold, water spots, something tearing etc. This communicates your own involvement and care of your residence.
2. Please, take some damn responsiblity if you were drunk one night and tried to balance yourself on your towel rack and it ripped out of the wall. Fix it if you can. Its actually kindof fun to google maintenance solutions and fix something yourself. Use your God-given mind in this area.
3. Keep it as cordial as possible with your property manager. Be the first to call, not your mom. Lemme tell you my dating pool has been severely cut down by all the mothers who call for their sons, AS IF THEY ARE ON THE LEASE. Get a life mamacita.

At Move-Out:
1. Clean everything really well. Imagine if you were moving in and you had to put your precious belongings on someone else's funk. I used to think this wasn't that big of a deal, but after seeing how 75% of people live, it IS a big deal. Obviously this is not such a big deal if your property management company gave you a crappy deal upon move in or has an automatic cleaning service written into the security deposit agreement.
Here are the main areas that are typically forgotten at move out, that will make a checklist go from clean to dirty in one fowl checkbox:
Under stove bottom drawer
under stove top and on the sides
top of the refrigerator
under the crisper drawer inside of refrigerator
baseboards and outlets
blinds
window tracks and
exhaust fans
2. When you receive your security deposit check back, ask for an itemized list of what you were charged for and if there is a question in your mind, talk to the property manager. It is important to challenge the gray areas, because inspections are done by the human eye and mistakes can be made (although, they are the professionals, and you DID live in that funk for a year no questions asked). Sometimes normal "wearin and tearin" needs to be deciphered against "negligence".

Hope this is helpful. I have people tell me how much they hate property management companies and I admit, its a hard business. But then I have even more people lie, yell, bitch, and be generally irresponsible with themselves and their affairs. Just be legit and communicative. And always always document. And remember, you don't catch any bees with vinegar.

Sand and Sim Cards

2008-06-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was picnicing at Clayton Beach, south of Fairhaven. It was a cloud-less day. I went to Trader Joe's and bought hummus, crackers, sausage, havarti, carrots, deli mustard, and rosemary bread. I packed my way cool wicker picnic basket and brought a bottle of red wine. It was Father's Day yesterday and I cannot stand semi-holidays like this without family around. They are brutal for the spirit. So I decide to make the most of it.
I hiked down to the beach and set up in the perfect little nook in the sand. I got out the book I'm reading (Ethics, Dietrich Bonhoeffer) and began my day at the shore. A couple hours later I had fallen asleep in the glorious sun and the tide had come in. I woke up and realized I needed to pack up and make my way back because it would be difficult to get around the rocks with the tide in. I ended up having to climb over a bunch of rocks and in my haste and disoriented sun-soaked state, fell a couple of times. Beyond feeling like a bit of a loser, I got a sweet, scrapped knee and bruises up and down my leg. I hike quickly back to my car (its a bit of a jaunt) and realize that my phone is not there. I remember dropping my bag at one point and hearing something fall down but thought it was just my sunglasses which ended up being right by my bag. Turns out my blackberry took a dive.
Right now I don't know whats more annoying to me about losing my phone: the fact that I am the type of person who obviously went and won a better blackberry curve on ebay that night, or that I am actually really struggling without a phone.
Lemme break this down.
My vanity:
1. I could not get a crappy cheap phone as replacement because everytime I used it, I would literally be annoyed that I had even fallen on that Fathers Day back in June. Thus, prolonging my grievance.
2. I can rationalize that I will use the curve lots now that I have my real estate license cause you need one to open those key boxes right? or, something right?
3. I'm still trying to be cool. And the blackberry to me is the epicenter of cool. Its a great, legit, professional-use phone.
My reliance:
1. My phone is probably like a pocket best friend. Its not that I'm always on it, or that I always need to see who's trying to get in touch with me. But its this kindof security that I have with me, as an option, a go-to, a companion through all sorts of life situations.
2. Most of my closest connections are actually long-distance, therefore my phone is an essential part of feeling loved, known blah blah all of that connecting stuff.
3. My bro only talks to me over texts.

This big jumbled breakdown of my thoughts tonight regarding The Great Blackberry Incident is really just me wanting to break it down for myself and get it all out there, since I'm definitely not going to go through all these things with my friends. Its disconcerting really, longing for either 1. to return to the village and the simple life or 2. have my phone back in full swing. There is no "inbetween zone" anymore known as the 1980's and 1990's. Those decades have, for better or worse, catapulted us into a new era of connectedness highlighting enhanced, high speed gratification, wider geography between you and yours; and an anxiety over what to do with all this stimuli all around us.

Lesson learned: a picnic is a time to leave your cell phone at home.

Such a joke...

2008-06-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

I dont really know that I'm capable of love. Sometimes I straight up DO NOT feel like I love at all. Something is before me and the gap between what it should be and how I really feel is comparable to putting a goldfish in the salty ocean. It doesn't work: it flounders; it spirals; it eventually detaches and it probably dies.
I don't want to be the goldfish that dies in a rich habitat of beauty. It's not what I was created for.
I'm referring to all types of love, but particularly today romantic love. I don't think I know how to do it. My heart feels buried beneath years of the wrong kind of love, experiences of bittersweet, almost-companionship and appreciation, mixed with plain ole selfish motives and actions to feel good about myself, as well as times of truly respecting and loving a couple of amazing individuals who did not return the admiration, all resulting in lost innocence, a frozen heart and an unspoken, quiet fear that I will remain as this: the girl that doesn't know how to love and can't be loved.

I guess its not so unspoken anymore.

Bloc Party "Kreuzberg"

There is a wall that runs right through me
Just like this city I will never be joined
What is this love? Why can I never hold it?
Did it really run out? In those strangers bedrooms

I have decided at 25
That something must change

Saturday night, in East Berlin
We took the U-Bahn to the east side gallery
I was sure that id found love with this one lying with me
Crying again in the Hauptbahnhof

I have decided at 25
That something must change

After sex the bitter taste
Been fooled again, the search continues
Concerned mothers of the west,
Teach your sons, how to truly love.

Operation Interact

2008-05-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

Why do we turn into ourselves when we get hurt? Why does it feel better to alienate and lick our wounds and become "more independant"? This world is such an incredible blend of interconnectedness and alienation; synthetic exchanges and close intimacy; dying alone and dying all together. Why do I feel like I have to fight for closeness, like it makes people uncomfortable, like its WRONG of me? And why do I want to hide within myself too when others hurt me, when others decide they want to alienate and stay within themselves? I wish it was easier for me to accept, to not care, to operate on auto-pilot without any reaction to the ebb and flow of the diversified "situation" we're in called LIVING.

Instead, I'm sad for you.

rejection sucks

2008-04-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

I am supposed to be driving to Seattle right now to pick up my little sister Heidi to finally come to visit! We've both been so excited about this trip: she planned her plane outfit probably 2 months ago and I went and got our fave snacks the other night in preparation. And then I get off of work yesterday and there are 3 missed calls from her. As a side note, can I just say how much I hate missing 2 or more calls from anyone in my family? My stomach always sinks when this happens. Its probably because the times when this has occured has been when my Grandpa suddenly died a year ago, and then when Heidi "got the call" to quickly go to Stanford Hospital for her long awaited double lung transplant. This brings me to the triple call from Heidi yesterday. Shes had a cold for about a week now and the doctors think that her body might be rejecting her donor lungs. When she got out of the hospital last summer, I was under the impression that "rejection" meant that it was irreversible, her body would need NEW lungs (of which a proper match is only 25% of the time available in America because of the high need). So now she isn't coming to visit.
I'm thinking so many things right now about this although the feelings of grief and loneliness in my grief have become familiar. I mean initially I'm thinking it is so fucking unfair that this would happen NOW, the day before her planned trip. What is the point of that? My Christian heritage and even my sincere hope for things to be different condition me to think "There is a reason" "God knows". But really? Is there really a plan? Cause I'm digging and I don't see it. And I'm not going to trick myself into seeing it. She couldnt even be afforded one little mini-vacay away on her own with her older sister, just 3 days of living life and having fun? ITS POINTLESS. And I don't even know what to do with that. I don't know what to do with what doesn't make sense, or with grief that spills out in sobs that dont have any tears, just nausea and literal heart-ache, teeth clinching and world spiraling.
And then another wave hits me of the fact that she is rejecting. Well what does this mean? My mom tells me she doesn't know exactly because they didn't read the packet when she got home from the hospital after the transplant. And I'm thinking "why the hell didn't you read that?". I'm thinking this because I think thats true but also because I want to look for something to blame, something to once again make sense of why we are here right now. Its definitely got nothing to do with reading a packet or not. But I realized quickly upon talking to my mom that she was delivering this information to me while she is at the hospital in a waiting room BY HERSELF, hearing that her 24 year old daughter might be in rejection. And those feelings I couldn't even imagine.
Apparently, rejection after a transplant is something that can be somewhat common and there is something called acute rejection which they refer to as an "episode". That one word, "episode" might be the only thing that doesn't make me run for the hills tonight. My family is far away; this grief is my own; I can't change her situation; and God doesn't make sense. I have nothing creative or poignant to wrap this up with. I will say that it brought me a HUGE sense of relief to open my email and see that she had already changed her itinerary to May 15th, just 2 weeks from now. I guess life means we continue to make plans, look forward to them, wait for things to happen, hope that it'll be good. Cause if I stayed in this, right now, I would be a nihilist. And it is all not nothing.

My style has something to say...

2008-03-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated first to Amy Black, who helps snap me out of it just when I need it and and second to Lisa Bloom, for calling into question Silda Spitzer's expected role of standing beside her dirty, philandering husband.
Today at work a comment was made regarding me and fashion. A joke that ran something along the lines of all I cared about in school. This joke came from sources that have known me a whopping 3 weeks. And yet it still cut me. Oh how I wish it didn't. In my head I know that I need to shake this off, that it was totally a joke and should be funny (? well, debateably maybe). But I have to admit that I have total insecurities surrounding this issue. I have a fear of being assumed superficial, uncomprehending, and overly emotional. I also have a fear that, at times, this is true.
Let me begin this first by giving my philosophy on fashion.
First off, I believe that fashion is an expression of ourselves. Ok, most people who give it a second thought believe this too. Secondly, fashion for me is using all my resources to put something together that is creative, a mixture of being progressive and nostalgic, and yet, as a female, maintain a level of classy-ness and sexiness. I go to thrift stores just as often as boutiques and I will wear designer jeans just as much as an old dress I cut shorter. Thirdly, I don't believe that I have found a hard and fast artistic outlet for myself and this is one way that I can channel creativity and expression in a world that would have me be more sterile, put together and obedient.
All that being said, I do take offense when this is trivialized as an airheaded pursuit during my educational years resulting in statements such as "OMG look at her outfit today!". I'm sorry, male counterparts, but if your narrow minded insight leads you to put me in a category such as this, then you are the ones selling yourselves and others short during the years that really count: the years you are living your education.
I feel stifled, judged and misunderstood in these circumstances. And I know that freaking out only makes one believe that I probably feel an inkling of truth towards the statements, hence my beginning confession of having this fear. But I can honestly say that it takes me a long time to draw conclusions about people. We are all just so different and then totally the same and that complexity takes more than 3 weeks to piece together. Why not ask questions of someone and really try and understand them and leave it at that? Why do we need conclusions about who we are? I would've much rather been asked "What did you care about in school?" This line of thinking causes both individuals to think more, understand more.
On a different day, I would've never let the sarcastic jokes hit me the way they did. The fact of the matter is, I have a brutal sore throat right now, I woke up earlier than normal today, and had tension with my roomate way too early in the morning. I knew when I was washing my hair this morning that I was the walking definition of waking up on the wrong side of the bed and therefore had to combat my feelings. I guess I just didn't quite roll through the ole 9-5 as I would've successfully liked to. It doesn't also help that I quite respect the individual making the comments.
No matter, I'll be fine and professional at work tomorrow. I will not treat anyone differently. And I will wear my trouser pants with leather cheetah print kitten heels with finesse and grace.

Normalcy Killed The Cat

2008-03-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

One month of nothing on here. Clearly, I need to get into the swing of it.

I started working a few weeks ago. Its amazing how your schedule suddenly becomes routine and all this busy work and its as if all those issues just dissipitate. I mean, in my adult maturity (ha!) I know that that is not the case. But I will definitely enjoy the ride of just DOING SOMETHING right now. My time away from normalcy afforded me the opportunity to go a little nuts and really let go of constructs I had created, whether good or bad. How easily I acclimate back into the normalcy. I know it is because I have to. What else do you do at 26, bachelors under your belt, bills to pay and commitments to create? Its all so friggin normal I could puke. I wanted to be special all growing up: to break molds, rules, and expectations. Turns out, we have to give in at some point.

Oh but it won't stop there. I will subversively find a way to rebel in the normalcy. I will remain affable, just as Larry David strives to be, but never stop questioning and being ridiculous whenever possible. Its the only way I know. Not sure if its nurture or nature, but either way, the negativity I had in my head last year surrounding "who I am" has turned itself into a deeper appreciation.

I have one friend who frustratingly tells me so often that you just give in and do these things because we have to, and that is it. There is no other way but to get all your ducks in a row, go to bed early, be so financially secure that you say you are broke when you have excessively enough to pay all your bills and still drink whiskey every nite (before said early bedtime). And the harshness with which he speaks tells me he is a little angry about it too. And maybe a little sad? And maybe a little apathetic?

I think not, my friend. I mean, I hear and understand your argument. I even agree aspects of it. But I ask this, did it ever kill anybody to do things differently, or to take the long road? From my mid-twenties mind, where I have no children, no mortgage and relatively nothing holding me down, what harm is there in asking the whys? in being open? in trying different things? I'm just saying....

When alls said and done, I'm still a free spirit.

On a different note, today I was making a burrito and I suddenly started getting this really uneasy feeling. I called everyone I know who doesnt live in Bellingham and that I'm close to and only got voicemails. It is rare that I feel like this, but it was just like something is WRONG. I decide not to freak out about what is not known as fact to me (I learned not to do this from dreams and anxieties I have dealt with in past seasons) but no one has gotten back to me at this point, so something could be wrong and maybe I wouldnt know.

I also wish I could cry tonite. Don't know why. I guess I've been in this new job, go out a lot, have fun mode and feel bad for it and think I should get sad. Bogarting happiness. Typical. Im going to expound on this as I think more about it.

PS. Going to Matthew Good this Friday. http://www.matthewgood.org/ <---- his blog. I am STOKED CITY.

I don't want anybody else, when I think about you...

2008-01-30T21:36:00.000-08:00

So...the other night we had a birthday party for three people. It ended up being this Mexican fiesta with a pinata, pin the tale on the donkey and a keg of PBR (because obviously all Mexican fiestas have a keg of PBR?) Lemme tell you, it was a time. Great fun with great friends. I go into the bathroom with my Solo cup in hand so that I don't loose track of it as I normally would. And as I'm wrapping up I suddenly have this amazing moment outside of myself. Like, I saw myself from outside looking in and inside looking out all at once. This is going to sound wierd, but I started touching my face and arms just to feel what I'm like on the outside and then I looked at myself in the mirror. I realized that this is the same face I've looked at for 26 years and this fact is ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. And it was like, how can I beat myself up so much when this is all I really have? I mean this shell of a thing. And the shell encompasses so much more inside of me, all these inexplainables and experiences and thoughts and actions and memories and dreams. This is it. And I don't think I do it conciously but there are times when I wish for something else. When I want to change this or that. Or I compare to others and I'm not enough of something or good enough for something or I just want more. Don't get me wrong. I think working on ourselves to push through whatever it is that blocks us is important, I've always thought that. But what about satisfaction? Just being in what we were given and accepting that. Its alot harder said than done. I was looking at pictures tonight of myself circa uh 2004 maybe and I can remember then what I wished I was more of and what I wasn't satisfied with. I don't want to be like that anymore. I need to be okay because I probably waste a lot of headspace and energies searching for GKW? (God knows what--learn it love it live it). Anyway no one at the party would've guessed it because after probably 20 minutes of touching myself I straightened up and hit the party again, bouncing around and socializing like nobodies biz. Cheers ya'll. This is me.

Allow me to introduce myself...

2008-01-29T18:30:00.000-08:00

Should I set this thing on private?
I wonder if I will feel more comfortable with my word vomit if I know who is reading me, making judgements about who I am and pigeon-holing me into a category that fits comfortably into their (probably twisted) worldview. And see thats my problem. I ALWAYS care about how people think about me. I know this is something a lot of people "struggle" with, but I think being raised in the front of the evangelical free church, basically in the pulpit, gives me a bit of a complex. There I said it, it made the first post.
I'm deciding first things first, this will be available to anyone and probably no one. I'm attempting to be ex animo, from the heart, as best as can. Lately I've realized how amazingly hard it is for me to bring what is inside, in my depth, to the surface. Whether it just wasn't okay when I was younger, or I became afraid of its consequences, I'm not sure (although I have some ideas). So honesty, from my heart, is what will be in the back of my mind as I scribble here.
In my 25th year of being born, I discovered that I had spent years not being honest. This might be surprising for some of you who tell me you love me so much because "I'm real" :) Turns out, I'm also a people-pleaser and my people-pleasing came at the expense of really being real and being able to love whole-heartedly and unselfishly.
Anyway, my 25th year I was ready to write a book on theories I had. Ask any of my friends, I had titles, sub-titles and explanations for all these theories that enabled me to put people in categories that fit nicely into...my judgements, bitterness and narrowminded experiences. Then, it was like it all exploded. I'm not really sure why or how. It was probably being a year out of college, living far from home, having an ill younger sister, close friends spread all over the northamerican continent, but it all just changed. I remember I said to Christine one day "Its just different now. Its never the same."
The biggest thing was realizing my depth of doubt over my faith-upbringing. This I will get into at a later time because its not easy or fixed or maybe even explanable (especially not on this introductory post). But some part of me that isn't fully able to lend words to itself just FEELS like I'm just waking up. After all these years, all these good times, I'm waking up to something and I'm groggy and wide-eyed at the same time.
When we wake up from dreaming, its not a good feeling. I wish I woke up each morning just ready to bounce out of bed, knowing that the day would be much, much better than the night. But dreaming is just a fabulous thing (sans nightmares). Its almost like a fairytale, regardless of the actual story going on. You watch things happen in this detached, at ease, resting sense. Things do not carry consequence. They just happen. So, my waking up is not a good feeling. Its not comfortable. I'm not necessarily at ease. I'm wierd. But...its necessary. I have to wake up and get out of bed.
So this will be my best attempt at getting out of bed everyday, and I promise I won't reset the alarm.