Normalcy Killed The Cat

One month of nothing on here. Clearly, I need to get into the swing of it.

I started working a few weeks ago. Its amazing how your schedule suddenly becomes routine and all this busy work and its as if all those issues just dissipitate. I mean, in my adult maturity (ha!) I know that that is not the case. But I will definitely enjoy the ride of just DOING SOMETHING right now. My time away from normalcy afforded me the opportunity to go a little nuts and really let go of constructs I had created, whether good or bad. How easily I acclimate back into the normalcy. I know it is because I have to. What else do you do at 26, bachelors under your belt, bills to pay and commitments to create? Its all so friggin normal I could puke. I wanted to be special all growing up: to break molds, rules, and expectations. Turns out, we have to give in at some point.


Oh but it won't stop there. I will subversively find a way to rebel in the normalcy. I will remain affable, just as Larry David strives to be, but never stop questioning and being ridiculous whenever possible. Its the only way I know. Not sure if its nurture or nature, but either way, the negativity I had in my head last year surrounding "who I am" has turned itself into a deeper appreciation.

I have one friend who frustratingly tells me so often that you just give in and do these things because we have to, and that is it. There is no other way but to get all your ducks in a row, go to bed early, be so financially secure that you say you are broke when you have excessively enough to pay all your bills and still drink whiskey every nite (before said early bedtime). And the harshness with which he speaks tells me he is a little angry about it too. And maybe a little sad? And maybe a little apathetic?

I think not, my friend. I mean, I hear and understand your argument. I even agree aspects of it. But I ask this, did it ever kill anybody to do things differently, or to take the long road? From my mid-twenties mind, where I have no children, no mortgage and relatively nothing holding me down, what harm is there in asking the whys? in being open? in trying different things? I'm just saying....

When alls said and done, I'm still a free spirit.

On a different note, today I was making a burrito and I suddenly started getting this really uneasy feeling. I called everyone I know who doesnt live in Bellingham and that I'm close to and only got voicemails. It is rare that I feel like this, but it was just like something is WRONG. I decide not to freak out about what is not known as fact to me (I learned not to do this from dreams and anxieties I have dealt with in past seasons) but no one has gotten back to me at this point, so something could be wrong and maybe I wouldnt know.

I also wish I could cry tonite. Don't know why. I guess I've been in this new job, go out a lot, have fun mode and feel bad for it and think I should get sad. Bogarting happiness. Typical. Im going to expound on this as I think more about it.

PS. Going to Matthew Good this Friday. http://www.matthewgood.org/ <---- his blog. I am STOKED CITY.