Sunday Blues on Tuesday
This blog was drafted in May of 2010 (on some Sunday). I went to my page earlier this evening and drafted a different blog about being 30 but I lost steam and sunk into a retrospective pondering slump of sorts. I found this draft and think its more appropriate to the feeling I'm trying to put into words today, instead of discussing turning 30. Maybe I'll post that one next year...
(May, 2010)
I seriously hate to write this blog. I cringe that I am even typing these words that will expose the southwesternmost corner of my heart. The thing is, its been pressing on that corner of my heart all day, and I can't shake it.
I've scrubbed my bathroom floor, I've washed all my linens, I've called a couple friends, I've gone for a run, I bought a new dress and its only continued to fester and pester and jester.
I'm lonely today.
Not lonely for lots of friends around. Not missing my family and wanting to hang out with them. Its that kind of lonely. The kind where maybe I'll look back on that festering, pestering, jestering feeling one day and it will have dissipated, and I will know that the love I have found was the remedy to that kind of lonely.
Who knows though, maybe it isn't.
Maybe this feeling is just a dysphoric, Sunday type of feeling. Maybe I'm feeling sad because my whole family goes to church on Sunday, and goes with someone, and I was raised to do just that, and I don't do it at all. But I don't think that would be the answer, cause sometimes I do go to church, and feel worse. I sit there and feel like a black hole, light years away from people sitting in rows, arms around each other, excusing themselves to comfort their crying babies. I feel like I'm sitting there holding all the sadness to make up for all their happiness. And I guess I just proved the point that it isn't just a dysphoric Sunday type feeling cause it came back to sitting there alone.
And the whole thing of it all is that I believe its incredibly possible to love someone, marry someone, commit yourself to someone and one day to feel the same sort of loneliness. I can imagine that is worse. Sleeping next to someone, day in day out, and feeling like a black hole, light years away from each other.
My refusal for that end result is why I'm feeling how I am today. Thinking into my future with those I've dated, I've believed this would one day be the case, this impending "loneliness while in a relationship". So I guess I sorta asked for this feeling or at least have made choices resulting in this. Which in a wierd way gives me comfort.
(May, 2010)
I seriously hate to write this blog. I cringe that I am even typing these words that will expose the southwesternmost corner of my heart. The thing is, its been pressing on that corner of my heart all day, and I can't shake it.
I've scrubbed my bathroom floor, I've washed all my linens, I've called a couple friends, I've gone for a run, I bought a new dress and its only continued to fester and pester and jester.
I'm lonely today.
Not lonely for lots of friends around. Not missing my family and wanting to hang out with them. Its that kind of lonely. The kind where maybe I'll look back on that festering, pestering, jestering feeling one day and it will have dissipated, and I will know that the love I have found was the remedy to that kind of lonely.
Who knows though, maybe it isn't.
Maybe this feeling is just a dysphoric, Sunday type of feeling. Maybe I'm feeling sad because my whole family goes to church on Sunday, and goes with someone, and I was raised to do just that, and I don't do it at all. But I don't think that would be the answer, cause sometimes I do go to church, and feel worse. I sit there and feel like a black hole, light years away from people sitting in rows, arms around each other, excusing themselves to comfort their crying babies. I feel like I'm sitting there holding all the sadness to make up for all their happiness. And I guess I just proved the point that it isn't just a dysphoric Sunday type feeling cause it came back to sitting there alone.
And the whole thing of it all is that I believe its incredibly possible to love someone, marry someone, commit yourself to someone and one day to feel the same sort of loneliness. I can imagine that is worse. Sleeping next to someone, day in day out, and feeling like a black hole, light years away from each other.
My refusal for that end result is why I'm feeling how I am today. Thinking into my future with those I've dated, I've believed this would one day be the case, this impending "loneliness while in a relationship". So I guess I sorta asked for this feeling or at least have made choices resulting in this. Which in a wierd way gives me comfort.
Comments
http://cornerstoneweb.org/series/ruth/ruth-31-318/
TBC...