A Thirty Somethings Highschool Love Story (For The One I Never Had)
The last few months with you are marked by moments of tenderness and comfort I have not known.
I keep thinking about the moment I looked into your eyes. It sounds so cheesy and cliche, but I saw me in you and you in me in that moment. I was at the mall, harried, upset, one of the worst days of 2014. I was eager to have another Beesy Boo in my possession, something to comfort me in my current angst-filled and sad state. You patiently told me which models were for iPhone 5 and calmly put a screen protector on my phone; asking me why today was such a bad day and genuinely listening to the answer.
As we were talking, I was reaching into my purse ready to give you my business card when you wrote your phone number on my receipt. I was flush with excitement in the midst of my sadness knowing there was something mutual between us.
Without much expectation, we started texting. You were an eager reply-er, something that would normally make me hesitant. But I was in a fragile state and happy to fill my approaching homeless status with your constant expressive communication.
Our first date was to Jack London Square for drinks and then karaoke. I got in the car and you could smell champagne on my breath. I was a bit nervous; but I think thats a good sign. At karaoke we were making out so much someone told us to get a room. I was embarrased to be on the other side of that coin but you didnt seem to care at all. You said to me "what're you doing to me?" and looked at me with those sparkling, deep yellow eyes.
We started dating, going out every few days and as often as possible. Slowly the truth of your status here came out to me, slow enough that it didnt matter more and more because I really liked you. Rolling around with you I felt like a teenager; feeling something I had been short changed on for most of my life.
Our third date you asked me if I was scared. I couldnt believe you could read me like that. And the answer was yes. I was scared of the things you were saying to me, and the things I was feeling, and the unexpectedness of you. I had a major life shift happening with my home life; and you were there to cuddle me and help me feel the tender side of life, at a time that felt really hard.
We traveled to Los Angeles together - my first trip with a boyfriend. I was nervous I would be sick of you or feel uncomfortable or not have fun. But it was none of those things. It was easy and fluid. It was shiny. It was different. As soon as we were back from LA, things began to change. Your job was not treating you right and you were not getting enough hours. I felt responsible since you had forced the vacation time. The ups and downs began the next few weeks as you were figuring out what to do and where to go. I wont forget the day you called to say you had made a decision to move to San Diego. I wanted to run right then and there. I told you I had to think about seeing you again; because i was scared. The wisdom of my good friends told me I would regret that decision. I invited you to come stay with me a few days before you left.
Those few days were again easy and fluid; shiny. We didnt do much - cooked, had a bonfire, walked the dog, went to the movies, watched the World Cup. But by the end I felt like I had a new best friend and I know you felt the same. The day before you left you started crying as we held each other. I wasnt sure what thoughts all of the tears held and I have a feeling it was more than just you and I, but it was at this point that I wanted to tell you I loved you, something I've never wanted to tell anyone before.
I dropped you off at the airport and tried to be tough (I had to move this week). We spent the next couple of weeks in good communication; you being an amazing emoticon support and being attentive. But things started to shift and I would hear from you less and less. There were some times I would text and not get a response. I started to feel a darkness come over things - familiar feelings of game playing that I thought we had just skimmed over. I wasn't used to feeling this way with you.
I decided to come and see you anyway. I wish I could skip over this section of this love story because I hated how this trip went with you. You pulled up to the airport and leaned over and popped open my door, not helping me with my luggage. I didnt know if this was a sign or just a casual approach to my visit. The weekend was full of dark and light moments. In one instant i would see the clarity in those yellow eyes and feel connected to you. In another I saw you looking off somewhere else, shaded and shadowy, and I could not get in. You seemed moody and down. I left San Diego writing you a heart felt letter that I was afraid I was falling alone. When you read the letter, you told me you cried.
Then the damage happened. We didnt speak for a week. I was sure we were over. I had been down this path before, and being ignored for a week was not acceptable to me (or anyone I know for that matter). Then you called me casually and tell me you had needed to think and you had decided to move home. Your dad was dying of cancer and your visa was soon up. You thought talking to me you wouldnt be able to be objective enough. I heard your voice waiver as you told me your fears of going home; of the status of Israel, of your anger towards your dad. I knew you were doing the right thing. And I desperately wanted to see you before you left.
You came and saw me for 5 days before moving home. The 5 days were again easy and fluid; shiny. I was in the middle of the busiest time Ive ever had in my young career and you were the happiness in my insanity. We cooked, watched movies, took naps and you took me on a special date to Santa Cruz and to Shadowbrook Restaurant. I surprised you with a watch you had been eyeing at Nordstrom Rack.
On the drive home from Santa Cruz we started talking about some hard topics. Ive had to battle thoughts of your immigration here, trust issues, uncertainty. Lots of ups and downs in our short time together. You said alot of things to me about your feelings about me, and as we flashed down 580 fwy approaching Oakland I knew I had to say it. "I love you, Igal". It was the first time I wanted to say those words to a guy in my 33 years. You said it back right away and got teary eyed.
The next morning as we woke early to go to the airport, our tears blended together as we hugged. You wanted Roxy to come with us to the airport which i thought was adorable and she laid on your lap the whole time. At the airport I had a moment of being outside myself and could see what an airport cliche we were. Hugging and crying and hugging goodbye. We had no plan for our distance, but were on the love-high and it didnt matter.
Our love story is hard to end. I wish there was a poetic ending, or an ongoing story to tell. But this just might be what it is. You've opened me up to love, to that tender part of me that had remained guarded and protected. I dont know what that means for my future or for yours, together or separate. But I'm grateful. I will choose to be grateful and not angry that life circumstances arent different. I will choose to remain open instead of clinging to something in the past.
And I will always be tender to you, just as you were to me.
I keep thinking about the moment I looked into your eyes. It sounds so cheesy and cliche, but I saw me in you and you in me in that moment. I was at the mall, harried, upset, one of the worst days of 2014. I was eager to have another Beesy Boo in my possession, something to comfort me in my current angst-filled and sad state. You patiently told me which models were for iPhone 5 and calmly put a screen protector on my phone; asking me why today was such a bad day and genuinely listening to the answer.
As we were talking, I was reaching into my purse ready to give you my business card when you wrote your phone number on my receipt. I was flush with excitement in the midst of my sadness knowing there was something mutual between us.
Our first date was to Jack London Square for drinks and then karaoke. I got in the car and you could smell champagne on my breath. I was a bit nervous; but I think thats a good sign. At karaoke we were making out so much someone told us to get a room. I was embarrased to be on the other side of that coin but you didnt seem to care at all. You said to me "what're you doing to me?" and looked at me with those sparkling, deep yellow eyes.
Our third date you asked me if I was scared. I couldnt believe you could read me like that. And the answer was yes. I was scared of the things you were saying to me, and the things I was feeling, and the unexpectedness of you. I had a major life shift happening with my home life; and you were there to cuddle me and help me feel the tender side of life, at a time that felt really hard.
We traveled to Los Angeles together - my first trip with a boyfriend. I was nervous I would be sick of you or feel uncomfortable or not have fun. But it was none of those things. It was easy and fluid. It was shiny. It was different. As soon as we were back from LA, things began to change. Your job was not treating you right and you were not getting enough hours. I felt responsible since you had forced the vacation time. The ups and downs began the next few weeks as you were figuring out what to do and where to go. I wont forget the day you called to say you had made a decision to move to San Diego. I wanted to run right then and there. I told you I had to think about seeing you again; because i was scared. The wisdom of my good friends told me I would regret that decision. I invited you to come stay with me a few days before you left.
Those few days were again easy and fluid; shiny. We didnt do much - cooked, had a bonfire, walked the dog, went to the movies, watched the World Cup. But by the end I felt like I had a new best friend and I know you felt the same. The day before you left you started crying as we held each other. I wasnt sure what thoughts all of the tears held and I have a feeling it was more than just you and I, but it was at this point that I wanted to tell you I loved you, something I've never wanted to tell anyone before.
I dropped you off at the airport and tried to be tough (I had to move this week). We spent the next couple of weeks in good communication; you being an amazing emoticon support and being attentive. But things started to shift and I would hear from you less and less. There were some times I would text and not get a response. I started to feel a darkness come over things - familiar feelings of game playing that I thought we had just skimmed over. I wasn't used to feeling this way with you.
I decided to come and see you anyway. I wish I could skip over this section of this love story because I hated how this trip went with you. You pulled up to the airport and leaned over and popped open my door, not helping me with my luggage. I didnt know if this was a sign or just a casual approach to my visit. The weekend was full of dark and light moments. In one instant i would see the clarity in those yellow eyes and feel connected to you. In another I saw you looking off somewhere else, shaded and shadowy, and I could not get in. You seemed moody and down. I left San Diego writing you a heart felt letter that I was afraid I was falling alone. When you read the letter, you told me you cried.
Then the damage happened. We didnt speak for a week. I was sure we were over. I had been down this path before, and being ignored for a week was not acceptable to me (or anyone I know for that matter). Then you called me casually and tell me you had needed to think and you had decided to move home. Your dad was dying of cancer and your visa was soon up. You thought talking to me you wouldnt be able to be objective enough. I heard your voice waiver as you told me your fears of going home; of the status of Israel, of your anger towards your dad. I knew you were doing the right thing. And I desperately wanted to see you before you left.
You came and saw me for 5 days before moving home. The 5 days were again easy and fluid; shiny. I was in the middle of the busiest time Ive ever had in my young career and you were the happiness in my insanity. We cooked, watched movies, took naps and you took me on a special date to Santa Cruz and to Shadowbrook Restaurant. I surprised you with a watch you had been eyeing at Nordstrom Rack.
On the drive home from Santa Cruz we started talking about some hard topics. Ive had to battle thoughts of your immigration here, trust issues, uncertainty. Lots of ups and downs in our short time together. You said alot of things to me about your feelings about me, and as we flashed down 580 fwy approaching Oakland I knew I had to say it. "I love you, Igal". It was the first time I wanted to say those words to a guy in my 33 years. You said it back right away and got teary eyed.
The next morning as we woke early to go to the airport, our tears blended together as we hugged. You wanted Roxy to come with us to the airport which i thought was adorable and she laid on your lap the whole time. At the airport I had a moment of being outside myself and could see what an airport cliche we were. Hugging and crying and hugging goodbye. We had no plan for our distance, but were on the love-high and it didnt matter.
And I will always be tender to you, just as you were to me.
Comments