Allow me to introduce myself...
Should I set this thing on private?
I wonder if I will feel more comfortable with my word vomit if I know who is reading me, making judgements about who I am and pigeon-holing me into a category that fits comfortably into their (probably twisted) worldview. And see thats my problem. I ALWAYS care about how people think about me. I know this is something a lot of people "struggle" with, but I think being raised in the front of the evangelical free church, basically in the pulpit, gives me a bit of a complex. There I said it, it made the first post.
I'm deciding first things first, this will be available to anyone and probably no one. I'm attempting to be ex animo, from the heart, as best as can. Lately I've realized how amazingly hard it is for me to bring what is inside, in my depth, to the surface. Whether it just wasn't okay when I was younger, or I became afraid of its consequences, I'm not sure (although I have some ideas). So honesty, from my heart, is what will be in the back of my mind as I scribble here.
In my 25th year of being born, I discovered that I had spent years not being honest. This might be surprising for some of you who tell me you love me so much because "I'm real" :) Turns out, I'm also a people-pleaser and my people-pleasing came at the expense of really being real and being able to love whole-heartedly and unselfishly.
Anyway, my 25th year I was ready to write a book on theories I had. Ask any of my friends, I had titles, sub-titles and explanations for all these theories that enabled me to put people in categories that fit nicely into...my judgements, bitterness and narrowminded experiences. Then, it was like it all exploded. I'm not really sure why or how. It was probably being a year out of college, living far from home, having an ill younger sister, close friends spread all over the northamerican continent, but it all just changed. I remember I said to Christine one day "Its just different now. Its never the same."
The biggest thing was realizing my depth of doubt over my faith-upbringing. This I will get into at a later time because its not easy or fixed or maybe even explanable (especially not on this introductory post). But some part of me that isn't fully able to lend words to itself just FEELS like I'm just waking up. After all these years, all these good times, I'm waking up to something and I'm groggy and wide-eyed at the same time.
When we wake up from dreaming, its not a good feeling. I wish I woke up each morning just ready to bounce out of bed, knowing that the day would be much, much better than the night. But dreaming is just a fabulous thing (sans nightmares). Its almost like a fairytale, regardless of the actual story going on. You watch things happen in this detached, at ease, resting sense. Things do not carry consequence. They just happen. So, my waking up is not a good feeling. Its not comfortable. I'm not necessarily at ease. I'm wierd. But...its necessary. I have to wake up and get out of bed.
So this will be my best attempt at getting out of bed everyday, and I promise I won't reset the alarm.
I wonder if I will feel more comfortable with my word vomit if I know who is reading me, making judgements about who I am and pigeon-holing me into a category that fits comfortably into their (probably twisted) worldview. And see thats my problem. I ALWAYS care about how people think about me. I know this is something a lot of people "struggle" with, but I think being raised in the front of the evangelical free church, basically in the pulpit, gives me a bit of a complex. There I said it, it made the first post.
I'm deciding first things first, this will be available to anyone and probably no one. I'm attempting to be ex animo, from the heart, as best as can. Lately I've realized how amazingly hard it is for me to bring what is inside, in my depth, to the surface. Whether it just wasn't okay when I was younger, or I became afraid of its consequences, I'm not sure (although I have some ideas). So honesty, from my heart, is what will be in the back of my mind as I scribble here.
In my 25th year of being born, I discovered that I had spent years not being honest. This might be surprising for some of you who tell me you love me so much because "I'm real" :) Turns out, I'm also a people-pleaser and my people-pleasing came at the expense of really being real and being able to love whole-heartedly and unselfishly.
Anyway, my 25th year I was ready to write a book on theories I had. Ask any of my friends, I had titles, sub-titles and explanations for all these theories that enabled me to put people in categories that fit nicely into...my judgements, bitterness and narrowminded experiences. Then, it was like it all exploded. I'm not really sure why or how. It was probably being a year out of college, living far from home, having an ill younger sister, close friends spread all over the northamerican continent, but it all just changed. I remember I said to Christine one day "Its just different now. Its never the same."
The biggest thing was realizing my depth of doubt over my faith-upbringing. This I will get into at a later time because its not easy or fixed or maybe even explanable (especially not on this introductory post). But some part of me that isn't fully able to lend words to itself just FEELS like I'm just waking up. After all these years, all these good times, I'm waking up to something and I'm groggy and wide-eyed at the same time.
When we wake up from dreaming, its not a good feeling. I wish I woke up each morning just ready to bounce out of bed, knowing that the day would be much, much better than the night. But dreaming is just a fabulous thing (sans nightmares). Its almost like a fairytale, regardless of the actual story going on. You watch things happen in this detached, at ease, resting sense. Things do not carry consequence. They just happen. So, my waking up is not a good feeling. Its not comfortable. I'm not necessarily at ease. I'm wierd. But...its necessary. I have to wake up and get out of bed.
So this will be my best attempt at getting out of bed everyday, and I promise I won't reset the alarm.
Comments
Thanks for writing this blog, loved reading it